[Fiction] Enlightenment by Kyle York

FICTION - ISSUE FOUR

Enlightenment

KYLE YORK

A cave on a mountain. The cave has a door. Two seekers knock on the cave door. A Hermit comes out.

HERMIT
Yes?

SEEKER ONE
Hello, sir.

HERMIT
Yes.

SEEKER TWO
We're here seeking a great Zen Master. Is that you?

HERMIT
Ah, I see.

Hermit goes inside cave, comes back out in monk robes. From this point on, his actions, dialogue, and gestures are done in a stylized, exaggerated, very kabuki fashion.

HERMIT (CONT.)
I am a Zen Master! Here is my teaching: Zen is a dried Buddha turd.

SEEKER TWO
We seek greater insight into Zen. May we learn your teachings or ways?

HERMIT
First you must tell me the Ultimate Principle of Zen.

SEEKER ONE
The Ultimate Principle is, I believe, no principle.

HERMIT
Very good! You are no student of Zen; you are a Zen Master!

SEEKER ONE
Ha ha. Oh, no. I don't know nearly enough about Zen.

HERMIT
What is there to know?

SEEKER ONE
I see! I see!

HERMIT
Ah, yes! Very good. You have now achieved satori.

SEEKER ONE
Not quite, I think.

HERMIT
Oh my! Only a half satori?

SEEKER TWO
The same with me. I do feel like I understand the basic insight of
Zen. But even though I meditate frequently I don't feel satisfied.
Are there any meditation techniques that might help me achieve
a greater level of enlightenment?

HERMIT
Jumping jacks should suffice.

SEEKER TWO
Jumping jacks?

HERMIT
They are satisfying.

SEEKER ONE
The Zen Master must answer questions with no regard to the felicity of his reply. They do not speak about Zen, they speak through Zen.

HERMIT
That's right. Now you are both enlightened. Congratulations.

SEEKER TWO
I still don't feel enlightened.

HERMIT
What are we to do?

SEEKER TWO
I need to make more progress.

SEEKER ONE
But don't you see? You're still grasping.

HERMIT
Still grasping.

SEEKER ONE
But you are in reality already a Buddha. That's the lesson. Isn't that right?

HERMIT
Hot diggity dog! You got it!

SEEKER TWO
But what does that mean? To be a Buddha?

HERMIT
Ask your friend.

SEEKER ONE
(Profoundly)
Since there is no self, we are all one. And so all is the Buddha.

HERMIT
It is a privilege to hear such fine speakers.

SEEKER TWO
But what is your opinion? What do you teach?

HERMIT
People come to me when they get antsy and fidget too
much about the Void. And I say, "Don't worry. Relax."

SEEKER ONE
You have seen the Void.

HERMIT
That's right.

SEEKER ONE
What's it like?

HERMIT
The Void is warm and soft.

SEEKER TWO
Do you just tell people what they want to hear?

HERMIT
You can also think of the Void as cool and hard.

SEEKER ONE
Another contradiction. Because the Void is
that which is beyond words. Isn't that right?

HERMIT
The birds tweet. The trees hiss. And so on like that.

SEEKER ONE
So then "the Void" is a mere wall.

SEEKER TWO
A wall of words.

SEEKER ONE
A wall of text. Covering up a lack of Void.

HERMIT
A lack of Void.

SEEKER TWO
A lack of Void is a void. Isn't that right?

HERMIT
I have no idea.

SEEKER ONE
So it's a dead end?

SEEKER TWO
A dead end. That's it. That's the point!
He's a dead end. He bounces us back
onto the road. A circular driveway.

SEEKER ONE
Because to seek the Void is to miss it. He is merely
a signpost. "Zen is a hitching post for a donkey."

SEEKER TWO
What are your thoughts?

HERMIT
"It's cloudy out," says the Zen Master.

SEEKER TWO
(Dreamy, with too much intimacy)
Yes it is.

HERMIT
"Perhaps it will rain," he concludes.

SEEKER ONE
So then the world does contain a causal nexus. Or is it mere correlation?
Or neither or both? Or else it’s just that the Zen Master must answer
questions with no regard to the felicity of his reply.

SEEKER TWO
Alright, that's enough. I'm here to speak with him,
not listen to your lessons about Zen.

HERMIT
Right. You are here to listen to me! I am the Zen Master! Certified and everything. Next teaching: What is Zen? Those small earphones they give out on airplanes.

SEEKER TWO
How can I be more present in my life?

HERMIT
Are you not present?

SEEKER TWO
No.

HERMIT
Where are you?

SEEKER TWO
In my thoughts.

HERMIT
Ready for your head to explode?

SEEKER TWO
Yes!

HERMIT
Where are your thoughts?

SEEKER TWO
Ha! I see.

HERMIT
Boom.

SEEKER ONE
Ha! I see as well.

HERMIT
Good. Now you are certainly enlightened. I will pass on the gauntlet.
You can live here in my cave. And I will live in your house.

SEEKER ONE
Oh no. I could not be you.

HERMIT
It's not hard. You have a garden spread out throughout the nearby forest.
You boil water from the nearby stream. You go into town for toilet paper
and soap. And when occasional travelers ask you for guidance, you just
pat them on the head and say, "relax."

SEEKER ONE
I could not handle so much authority.

HERMIT
Are these more than little parlor tricks?

SEEKER ONE
Of course. Or if they are self-effacing, it is just so we can see past them into a greater truth. The finger cuts itself off so we can see the moon behind it.

HERMIT
What is behind the finger? What if it’s there to protect you?

SEEKER ONE
The finger-moon dichotomy is just another false division.

HERMIT
What is being divided?

SEEKER ONE
Mind. Mind moves, mind is divided.

HERMIT
Wrong, sapling. The answer is cake! Ha ha ha.
Vegetables! I cut them up with my little silver knifey.

SEEKER ONE
The Wisdom of Madness.

SEEKER TWO
The Madness of Wisdom.

SEEKER ONE
The Zen Master must answer with no regard to the felicity of his reply.

HERMIT
Bravo! Perfect interpretations. Now I must call you both Masters.
How can I hold authority over people to whom I am transparent?

SEEKER TWO
May we meditate with you just for a little while? In your cave?

HERMIT
I'm afraid not. No one is allowed in my cave.

SEEKER ONE
Is it a sacred space?

HERMIT
I have a dog in there. It's a mean dog.

SEEKER TWO
Can we stay here and learn from you?

HERMIT
No, but I'll give you a signed book of aphorisms.

SEEKER ONE
I teach meditation in a small studio.
Is there any advice I should give my students?

Hermit drops the kabuki act. He becomes more sober and earnest as he considers the question.

HERMIT
Tell them to do jumping jacks.

SEEKER ONE
Why?

HERMIT
Just a ritual. You can make it more elaborate and
convoluted if you think your students would prefer that.

SEEKER ONE
I was hoping for something more than a ritual.

HERMIT
I'm sorry.

SEEKER ONE
Don't be sorry.

HERMIT
Okay.

SEEKER TWO
I think he means that there's nothing to learn. We're already all Buddhas.

HERMIT
What I mean doesn't matter. Here's what you do, though. Always keep them
on their toes. For a while, the authenticity of their mystical experiences will come from your approval. After a while, that stops being the case. Good luck.

Hermit goes back inside cave and closes the door.

SEEKER TWO
(Shouting)
Thank you so much, sir!

SEEKER ONE
That was amazing.

SEEKER TWO
Where should we go now?

SEEKER ONE
(Profound, dreamy, breathless)
We are already here.

Kyle York teaches English as a Second Language in Asia. His writing has also appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Copper Nickel, theNewerYork, and elsewhere.